


Barriers

by Prixin47



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M, parameters and barriers and protocol oh sigh, seven years of sexual tension, silk lingerie and hot baths
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-10-14
Packaged: 2020-12-15 23:09:55
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21026282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prixin47/pseuds/Prixin47
Summary: There are some they never cross. Until they do.





	Barriers

**Stardate 54389.4**

Even in this temporally skewed frame of reference, their chemistry was undeniable.

He felt awful for noticing it when he’d taken her hostage, briefly holding her body against his as they backed down the corridor. He was a stranger to her in this time period. He’d held a hypospray to her throat and told her it was poison. Needless to say it had not been a consensual interaction.

So he hoped like hell he’d managed not to telegraph his feelings for her over the course of this strange day, but he should have known better. Kathryn Janeway never missed a beat.

And now, as they stood in Engineering, in the glow of the warp core, preparing to send her seven years into the past with no memory of what she’d just experienced, she asked him point blank just how close they’d gotten.

He resisted the urge to wax poetic about their incandescent friendship. The long conversations. The candlelight. The handful of nights when they’d allowed themselves some latitude to explore their feelings more physically.

Of course, they hadn't done that in years now and the sadness of that loss had finally settled into a dull ache. But now here he was, face-to-face with the woman he'd fallen in love with seven years ago, and a fierce, familiar emptiness flared and yawned in his solar plexus.

He wanted to reach for her, but he knew that if he did, he'd also have to tell her how they'd tortured themselves after each encounter; their interactions taking on a stiff, formal quality until they reached escape velocity from the gravity well of their chemistry. About how hard won and easily eroded that escape velocity truly was, and how badly they'd had to hurt one another to finally reach it.

And now, she had presented him with another chance to tell her how he felt. A chance to connect with her before her barriers went up.

He fought the impulse to touch her face, to see if she would respond to him. He wanted so badly to kiss her; to show her how close they had gotten and all of the uncharted territory that still lay between them. To breathe a prayer for some resolution into her open, longing mouth.

But his knowledge of their future put her at a disadvantage, and he didn’t like that power dynamic, so instead all he said was, “let’s just say there are some barriers we never cross.”

The disappointment in his eyes was genuine.

And just like that, the moment was gone.

===

**Stardate 50518.6**

“Come on, Chakotay,” she said, putting down her coffee, “I cheated death. That’s worth a celebration, don’t you think? A bottle of champagne, a moonlight sail on Lake George. How does that sound?”

“Like something worth living for,” he replied.

They’d been dancing around this since their two-month stay on the planet they’d named New Earth. Chakotay couldn’t stop his hopes from rising as they strode to the turbolift and made their way to the Holodeck. Maybe her brush with death had finally given her a reason to make up her mind.

“Computer, run program Janeway gamma two two epsilon,” she said when they arrived at the Holodeck doors.

“Program complete,” replied the computer, “enter when ready.”

When the doors opened, they found themselves on a grassy shore ringed by tall trees, their leaves a riot of gold and orange in the setting sun. At the end of a long dock, a small catamaran bobbed invitingly on the twinkling water.

“Computer, champagne,” said Chakotay, and a table appeared, set with a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, two champagne flutes, and a towel.

She opened the bottle, popped the cork neatly into the towel without spilling a drop, poured two glasses of champagne, and handed one to him.

“A toast,” she said, “to life and…”

“…to friendship - the greatest adventure,” he finished.

“Friendship,” she said.

They touched their glasses together and each took a sip, their eyes never parting.

The sun was slipping below the horizon now and he broke eye contact first. “What do you say we get out on the water?”

The next twenty minutes were a somewhat inefficient tangle of rigging and sails, but they finally got the catamaran situated and a soft breeze carried them out into the middle of the lake as the first stars appeared and the moon rose.

They sat across from one another on the deck of the catamaran, each with a blanket wrapped around their shoulders.

“Computer, play Chakotay music file gamma pi four.”

A soft ocarina began playing. “This is from Lake Atitlan,” he explained, “near where my mother grew up. It’s some of my favorite sailing music.”

“It’s beautiful,” she replied, “what’s it called?”

“This one is about a quetzal,” he said, “who falls in love with a jaguar.”

“What happens next?” she asked.

“You know, I can’t remember,” he replied, looking down. “I’ll have to consult my cultural database.”

“Is this a real story or another ‘ancient legend’?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

“I’ll let you know once I find out,” he said and met her gaze once again.

She touched his face, tracing the lines of the tattoo over his left eye with her long, graceful fingers. He closed his eyes and turned his face to her hand, kissing her palm before taking her hand in his.

He laid back on a stack of pillows strewn on the deck and opened his arms to her. She came toward him, turning her back to him and nestling into his arms. He kissed her head.

They hadn’t held one another like this since their time on New Earth, but it came back to them both easily. They stayed that way for some time looking up at the sky as the waves gently rocked the boat. Then a somewhat larger than normal wave disrupted the careful distance he’d cultivated between their lower bodies.

She felt his erection against her and a sparkle of desire coursed through her body. She gasped.

“I’m sorry, Kathryn,” he said, “that wasn’t intentional. I can’t help how you make me feel but I can back off if you want.”

“Please stay,” she said, pulling his arms around her more tightly, which marginally increased the friction between their bodies, making him gasp and fight like hell not to grind himself into her.

They lay in silence for several more minutes before she spoke again.

“I’ve known a lot of loss in my life, Chakotay,” she said, breaking the mood somewhat. “It’s not something I usually talk about with the people who serve under me, but it’s important to me that you understand. Before Mark, I was engaged to someone else. A man named Justin Tighe.”

Chakotay hadn’t expected this, but he grounded himself and waited to hear what else she had to say.

“Justin died,” she continued, “in the accident that killed my father on Tau Ceti Prime. They both drowned beneath the ice. I tried, but I couldn’t save either one of them.”

“Oh Kathryn. I had no idea. I’m so sorry,” he said, stroking her shoulder with his fingertips. “That must have been awful.”

She turned and looked him in the eyes, brushing away a tear as she did. “That’s why I was so reticent on New Earth,” she continued. “I kept putting the brakes on because the idea of getting close to you and then losing you too felt too dangerous. And then we ended up back in a command structure, and that feels a little bit like losing you too.”

She gave a deflated sigh. “The prohibitions against captains fraternizing with the crew exist to prevent us from developing feelings for our subordinates; but we’re way past that point.

“When I thought I had died, next to not sticking around to help the crew get home, losing the chance to explore what we might have together was what I regretted most. I don’t want to live in a way that leaves me with those kinds of regrets.

“So what do you want to do?” he asked.

“That’s just the trouble, Chakotay. I still don’t know. If we were in the Alpha Quadrant right now, we would be talking about transferring one of us to another posting, either so we could explore our feelings for one another or get over them. We don’t have that luxury here.”

“If we were in the Alpha Quadrant, you’d have long since put me in a Federation penal colony and been married to Mark,” he reminded her.

“Fair point,” she said.

He went on. “We’ve already strayed pretty far from Starfleet protocol just by creating this hybrid crew, and there’s nothing in the Alpha Quadrant playbook about a seventy-year deep space mission. We can’t expect ourselves to play by those rules.”

She looked up, “but we can’t stray from them completely either, Chakotay. We’ve asked this crew to accept so many compromises. They need a stable, by-the-book command structure right now.”

He sighed, knowing she was right - though he wished to hell she weren’t. “That may be true for now. But things might be different in a few years. We’ve got a long journey ahead of us. There might come a time when having me as your second in command isn’t as much of a necessity.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I could resign my commission,” he said. “Tuvok is more than capable of being your second in command, and I can still make a valuable contribution as a civilian anthropologist. It’s not as though I was planning on a career in Starfleet before we ended up out here anyway.”

Her eyes grew wide with surprise and tenderness. “Chakotay, you would really do that?”

“If it meant I could be with you then yes,” he said. “I know you haven’t made your mind up. I know you’re still invested in the idea of getting home to Mark, and I respect that. But I know what I want. If we manage to get home and Mark is there waiting for you with open arms, I will live with my broken heart. In the meantime, I have to be honest and live for today.”

She smiled with gratitude and considered him for a minute.

“Alright,” she said finally, “here’s the best I can do right now: we compartmentalize this. We’re not a couple. This is a facet of our friendship that we explore from time to time, but it’s not the main point of our relationship - not for now.”

“Deal,” he said with a smile. “So where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know,” she said, “but let’s go slowly.”

And so they drifted in the moonlight in one another’s arms. Her hands found their way to his hair and she started running her fingers through it. He shuddered and put an arm around her waist, running his hand up and down the small of her back. She tensed and lifted her leg a little, wrapping it around him.

He looked into her eyes again then and brought his lips to hers. When she didn’t protest, he kissed her softly and then she kissed him back. Her mouth was slow, languorous, intoxicating on his.

They continued like that for some golden period of time; it might have been a few minutes, it might have been hours. He was too lost in her to tell. And then she said, “I think that’s enough for tonight.”

He smiled as he stood up, his erection still apparent through his uniform. “In that case, I hope you won’t mind if I beam back to my quarters. I can’t go walking through the corridors like this and… it’s not going away anytime soon.”

She grinned back at him and kissed him one more time. “Computer, lock onto Commander Chakotay and initiate a site-to-site transport transport to his quarters.”

Their eyes caught as he dematerialized and they both grinned.

Then she laid back down on the deck, looked up at the sky, and touched herself. It didn’t take her long to come.

===

**Stardate 50614.2**

The table in Kathryn’s quarters was lit with candles and laid for two with a big salad, a dish of tofu curry with rice, and a bottle of Bolian nectar. Kathryn and Chakotay sat across from one another in silence.

“Chakotay, please talk to me. I’m worried about you,” said Kathryn, leaning forward in her seat and looking at her first officer with concern.

“I don’t know how to talk to you about what happened between me and Riley,” he said finally.

“Well you can start by not apologizing to me for having feelings for her,” she said. “We agreed that we’re not a couple right now. She was important to you. I respect that.”

“Okay, but how much do you really want to know?”

She paused thoughtfully before saying, “I want to know whatever I need to know to be a good friend to you.”

He looked down at his plate, took a deep breath, and then met her eyes. “It was one of the most intimate experiences of my life,” he said. “We unwound years of shame and trauma and bottled up feelings in a matter of minutes. The trust was implicit and all-encompassing.”

He paused. “Are you sure you want to hear about this?”

She nodded, so he continued.

“And it was extraordinary to have sex with someone and feel everything she was feeling. There was this feedback loop of pleasure that’s hard to describe and it was a level of familiarity that you usually build up over years of being with someone.”

“And now how do you feel about all of it?”

“I’m hurt,” he said, his face tightening, “and I’m angry with her for using me. I understand why the Cooperative did what they did. Their bunker was under attack and getting the neuro-electric field generator back online was a matter of survival. But I sensed no reservations from her about how unethical it was to…”

His voice thickened with emotion and he stood up and turned his back to her.

“I gave her access to the deepest parts of myself, and she didn’t hesitate to use that access to my mind to make me put this ship in danger and disobey your orders. I’m not sure that’s something I can forgive her or any of them for. Not that they asked for my forgiveness.”

He bowed his head and rubbed his face with both his hands for a moment, before turning to face her again.

“I don’t jump into bed with people I’ve just met. You know this about me. I feel stupid for having trusted them, especially after they lied to me right from the get go about how they got to the Delta Quadrant. They showed me who they were and I didn’t pay attention because I was attracted to her.”

“Chakotay,” she said, standing and coming around to put her hands on his shoulders, “you were in a vulnerable position. Ensign Kaplan had just been killed. You were grievously injured, and everything these people revealed to you about themselves, everything Riley told you about herself, led you to believe that you could trust them. You were telepathically linked with them and they gave you no indication of subterfuge or deceit. And what’s more…”

She paused and took a breath.

“What’s more, it sounds like sex in that context was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. That’s bound to make it harder to see the forest for the trees.”

“I can’t believe I’m saying this,” he said, “but I miss her. I hate that I miss her.”

“That sounds pretty normal to me,” she said.

He looked up at her, “and you’re not jealous at all?”

She sighed, “if I’m being honest? I’m envious. I’d like to know what it’s like to be telepathically linked with you while we’re together.”

“Me too,” he said, with a hint of a smile.

“I think if she’d agreed to come with us that might have been difficult. I imagine that the two of you would have wanted to be monogamous and that would have left me with a sense of loss; but that didn’t happen and here we are.”

“Kathryn, I’m not sure I could be monogamous with anyone else while you were around, to be perfectly honest,” he said. “Even when I was with Riley, there was a part of me that…”

He looked up at her, “…there’s always going to be part of me that’s just, yours.”

She took his hands in hers and kissed them.

===

**Stardate 51003.7**

Chakotay stood over Kathryn as she lay unconscious in the surgical bay. He had to believe that she was still there, because losing her was unthinkable.

They had never been less on the same page than they were right now, ever since she’d come up with this insane plan to forge a temporary alliance with the Borg. Now, he wasn’t sure whether he was more afraid of losing her altogether or disappointing her as grievously as he knew he was about to by countermanding her orders while she was unconscious..

“Well, I’ve made my decision,” he said. “If it were only a matter of going against the orders of my superior officer…” he trailed off, temporarily at a loss for words.

“You’re more than just my Captain. You’re my friend. I hope you’ll understand.”

“Not too long ago, you said you couldn’t imagine a day without me,” he said, tears springing to his eyes. “When you say things like that, I never know how to respond because all I want to do is kiss you. I know it goes against all the protocol. I know it’s not the point of our relationship but…”

He wiped the tears from his eyes.

“I love you, Kathryn. I know we’re not in agreement right now, but you will never be alone as long as I’m alive. You are not allowed to die right now, and I’m in command so that’s an order.”

He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it gently, then laid it back down, turned, and left Sickbay.

===

**Stardate 51268.4**

“What the hell are we doing, Chakotay?”

She set down her PADD on the desk, the names of the dead displayed prominently on the screen and put her head in her hands

He knew her question was rhetorical, so he grounded himself and looked at her, ready to hold space for her to think aloud.

“We’ve been dodging Krenim attacks for months,” she said. “We’ve lost more than half the ship and the casualties are…,” her voice cracked with grief, “oh Chakotay what are we doing?”

He came around the desk, kneeling in front of her and held her hand. “We’re keeping our promise. We’re doing everything we can to get this crew home.”

“What if all we’re doing is getting them killed?”

He stood up and took her hand, leading her the sofa.

“Kathryn, if you decide to change course, you’ll have my complete support.”

They sat down.

“Four years ago, I stranded this ship in the Delta Quadrant, and I’ve had to live with that decision every single day. In my towering arrogance, I justified it to myself by saying that we were protecting the Ocampa, but you know what I really think? I think there was a part of me that just wanted to explore.”

Her confession hung in the air between them.

He put his arm around her.

“That’s just ridiculous.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Yes, I do, Kathryn. Because I know you. And I know that you would never do that to your crew just to satisfy your curiosity. Sure, you’ve made lemonade out of lemons by dedicating yourself to scouring every parsec of this quadrant for life forms and anomalies on the way home, and I know you’ve enjoyed that. But you always take care of your people first. So whatever self-critical voice in your head is trying to convince you that you’re secretly a terrible person who stranded us all in the Delta Quadrant on purpose, kindly tell it to sit down and shut up because we have work to do.”

She looked up into his eyes and smiled, seeming a bit restored to herself now. “Yes sir,” she quipped; a playful reminder of their command structure and his subordinate role in it.

“You should probably get some rest.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

He should move his arm now, but he couldn’t. She felt so good next to him. And she was making no move to get up.

They looked into one another’s eyes for another moment before he closed his and bowed his head.

She rested her forehead against his. Her lips were centimeters from his.

“Kathryn, I can’t do this right now. We have to keep clear heads. We’re in the middle of too much.”

“I know,” she replied.

He put his other arm around her and leaned back on the sofa. She came with him and her head came to rest on his chest. He stroked her hair.

“Can we just hold each other like this?”

“Yes, please.”

She took his hand in hers. They didn’t pull away. They didn’t dive in. They held each other, and the moment passed.

===

**Stardate 51501.4**

Neelix pulled out all the stops to boost the crew’s spirits after losing their first link to the Alpha Quadrant in nearly three years.

There were several rounds of drinks, first of champagne to celebrate the fact that Starfleet knew they were alive, then Bolian nectar at Crewman Chell’s recommendation, which was relatively mild. But then Ensign Farley revealed that he’d been holding on to half a case of Romulan Ale since they’d left Mars, and of course everyone wanted to try some.

Kathryn had never been able to hold her Romulan ale particularly well.

The crew had been talking about the letters they’d received from home. At first, it was mostly information sharing about what had happened in the immediate aftermath of their disappearance. But then, a few of the Maquis crew began to speak about their friends who had been killed by the Cardassian-Dominion alliance. They shared stories of the times their fallen comrades had saved their lives, or about the families they knew had been left widowed or orphaned.

This was a delicate moment. Out here, reminders of their positions on opposite sides of the Cardassian/Maquis conflict were far and few between; but as the Maquis began to share memories of their fallen comrades in arms, many of whom had once been Starfleet officers, it became clear that some of the Starfleet crew harbored difficult feelings about their defections.

Ensign Samantha Wildman raised a glass, “though we stood on opposing sides, we honor their dedication and sacrifice in service of their beliefs. May their memories be a blessing.”

She raised her glass in a toast and Kathryn raised hers as well. She noticed that her hand was a little unsteady as she brought the Romulan ale to her lips.

After Ensign Wildman’s remarks, the tension in the room softened noticeably. Crewman Yosa began to weep. Ensign Wildman sat down next to him and put her arm around his shoulders.

Standing next to Tuvok, just across from her, Chakotay clocked Kathryn’s unsteadiness and, when general conversation had resumed, closed the distance between them.

“How are you doing?” he asked.

“Remind me to put a commendation for diplomacy in Ensign Wildman’s record,” she slurred, “and Chakotay, I think I may have had too much to drink.”

“I think you may be right,” he said with a grin.

“I’m going to call it a night,” she said, handing him her glass and patting him companionably on the chest. “Come check on me later?”

He nodded. “I’ll come by when things wind down here.”

—

She had just finished showering and slipped into her nightgown when her door chimed.

“That was fast,” she said to herself with a smile before calling, “come in!”

Chakotay entered the room looking over his shoulder. “I just made it before Gibson and Jackson saw me,” he said. “Thankfully, they were a little too wrapped up with one another to notice me ducking in here.”

Then his eyes landed on her and he was rendered momentarily speechless.

“You didn’t wear that on New Earth” Chakotay observed, admiring the way the floor length, pink silk nightgown clung to her body in all the right places.

She smiled and blushed a little, “it wasn’t exactly practical for living in the woods.”

“Is it any more practical on a starship?” he asked.

“I suppose not,” she replied, sitting down on the sofa. “But I like how it makes me feel. So much of my life is about rigor and discipline. This is one of the ways I seek comfort.”

“Kathryn Janeway’s creature comforts: silk lingerie and warm baths,” he said, coming to sit next to her.

“Silk lingerie and warm baths,” she replied, smiling up at him.

Then his lips were on hers and he could taste the earthy sweetness of the Romulan Ale on her breath. She was exquisitely soft, her skin warm and supple under the soft fabric of the nightgown.

She slid a strap over her shoulder and the neckline of the gown, already cut low, slid down to reveal her breast. He raised his palm to it and brushed her nipple softly. She shuddered and kissed him more deeply.

Her hand, which had been on his chest, started to move downwards, over his belly, and to the growing bulge in his uniform trousers. He moaned and pressed himself against her hand involuntarily. But something had begun to make him uneasy.

“Kathryn,” he said, pulling back, “you feel incredible and you know how much I want you, but…”

She stood up and dropped her nightgown to the floor.

He sat, admiring her for a moment. Every curve, every freckle, every dimple on her body was perfect because it was hers.

“Wow,” he said.

He stood up and kissed her, running his fingers over her shoulders and down her back. He’d imagined her naked plenty of times, but his imagination could never have done justice to the softness of her skin. He touched her tentatively, like he couldn’t quite believe he was allowed to.

She nuzzled into his neck and started kissing just behind his ear. “But?” she whispered.

He opened his eyes, “what?”

“You said you wanted me, but,” she said.

He took a breath and a step back, lowering his hands, “we shouldn’t do this tonight. You’ve had more to drink than I’ve ever seen you have. And… well, I’m afraid this will sound condescending and it isn’t meant to be, but you just got a dear John letter - to use your words. I want the first time we do more than just kiss and cuddle to be about us, and this feels like it’s about other things.”

She took a long slow breath out.

“You’re right,” she said gathering up her nightgown. “I’m so embarrassed.”

“Please don’t be,” he said, “I respect the hell out of you, which is why I want us to stop now. I don’t ever want you to have an experience with me that you regret later.”

She kissed him again, softly. “Goodnight, Chakotay.”

“Computer, lock onto me and initiate a site-to-site transport to my quarters, please, before I change my mind,” he said.

She watched him disappear in the shimmer of lights and then slipped into bed, sadness for what she had lost swelling in her throat and the simultaneous shimmer of new promise glittering in her chest.

It took her awhile to fall asleep.

===

**Stardate 51813.4**

The door to Kathryn’s ready room chimed.

“Come in!” she called.

Chakotay entered, looking more energized than she’d seen him in quite awhile, and presented her with a PADD. “This week’s duty rosters and our updated manifest,” he said.

She took the PADD from him, “I see that you’ve assigned Kellin permanent quarters.”

“She’s decided she wants to stay on Voyager for the foreseeable future.”

“I see,” she replied, looking up. “Does she have any problem taking a duty assignment?”

“She’s excited to contribute,” he said. “I was thinking about assigning her to security. Her experience tracking fugitives and penetrating other ships’ defenses could be invaluable to Mr. Tuvok.”

“Very well,” she said, “talk it over with him. If he agrees, the arrangement has my blessing.”

“There’s one other thing,” he said, sitting down across from her.

“As you know, Kellin claims that she returned to Voyager because she fell in love with me and that I felt the same. The more time I spend with her, the more I understand why that could have been the case.”

“I see,” she replied. “What do you plan to do about it?”

“I want to see where it goes,” he said. “How do you feel about that?”

“About seventeen different ways, honestly. But the bottom line is that I can’t offer you a real relationship and I want you to have all the happiness you can find. If a relationship with Kellin will bring you that happiness, then I’m happy for you.”

He reached across the table and squeezed her hand. “I meant what I said, Kathryn. There’s part of me that’s yours, that will always be yours.”

She squeezed his hand back, “you’d better not forget it.”

===

**Stardate 52282.6**

“You kissed him!?!” Chakotay exclaimed.

“Keep your voice down,” Kathryn hissed, surprised at her first officer’s outburst. “These bulkheads aren’t completely soundproof.”

“I don’t give a damn!” he yelled even louder, standing up and pacing back and forth across her quarters before turning to look at her accusingly, “did you kiss him before or after you realized he was going to double cross us and put those Brenari into a Devore ‘relocation center?’”

“I suspected he might, but I wasn’t certain. We had a moment, that’s all. It didn’t feel right to keep it from you. If I’d realized it was going to upset you so much I might have…”

“Kathryn, this is not about you kissing someone else. You’re free to kiss whoever you want. This is about your choice of who to kiss!” he shouted, slapping the back of one hand onto the palm of the other. “Kashyk is a war criminal. I don’t understand how that kind of person could be appealing to you.”

“Chakotay, please try to calm down. It’s not as if this was a meaningful relationship.”

“Kathryn, you know American history, don’t you?”

“Yes, but I don’t see what that has to do with…”

“So you know how your ancestors nearly wiped out an entire continent’s worth of my people; relocating us onto reservations and boarding schools. Wiping out whole civilizations with famine and political instability and disease. Herding us into concentration camps when we tried to get to safety.

“You know that indigenous women went missing and were murdered and nobody cared. You know how our sacred lands were turned into mines and factories. You know that entire species - including humanity - went to the brink of extinction burning fossil fuels until the most persecuted people gained positions of real power.

“That struggle never ended. It never ends. Even out here. It just changes form. I’ve always seen you stand on the right side of it, which is why it hurts to see you sharing anything of yourself with someone who is very much on the wrong side.”

He turned to see tears glistening in her eyes. He could tell she was fighting not to push him away, as she so often did when he told her she was wrong and she knew he had a point.

Finally, she spoke, “you’re absolutely right, Chakotay.”

“I know I am,” he said, sitting down again and taking an angry stab at his scrambled eggs.

“I found his intellect compelling so I overlooked his past actions, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t suspect that his newfound contrition was a ruse to get to the Brenari,” she admitted. “I should have kept him at more of a distance.”

“That’s part of our problem, Kathryn,” he said with a finality that scared her. “You lead with your intellect at times when you should be leading with your heart. You believe you can think your way out of circumstances that call for vulnerability and acceptance. You and I exist on two different planes of knowing and I can’t figure out how to reach you.”

“Chakotay, what are you saying?”

“I think we need to keep things professional between us for awhile. It’s not just you getting involved with Kashyk…”

“I was hardly involved with him, Chakotay. It was a kiss!”

“…it’s that you hold me at a distance, even now. Even after everything we’ve been through together. Even after Mark moved on with his life. I’ve offered more than once to resign my commission so we could build a real life together, but you’ve got this rigid idea of how things should be and that trumps how we feel about each other. And meanwhile, you let a war criminal in!”

“Chakotay, please. You’re upset. I understand that. You have every right to be, but we don’t need to make this a global statement about us.”

“I thought there was no us, Kathryn. I thought that was the entire point of keeping things so superficial.”

“Chakotay, I love you. I’m in love with you. I’m sorry I’m not more available. I just…”

“I’ve been patient for a long time, Kathryn. I know you’ve got a rough history and it makes it hard for you to let people in. I know that Starfleet protocol makes things tricky. And I’m quite clear that I’m not entitled to anything from you. But it’s not good for me to give so much emotionally and get so little in return.”

“So where does that leave us?” she asked.

“Let’s just stick to running the ship for awhile.”

“Okay,” she said, a lump in her throat. “For whatever it’s worth, I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you so badly.”

She set her napkin down on the table, got up, and left his quarters struggling not to cry until she made it back to her own.

===

**Stardate 54979.6**

“Can I get you another?” Jake Sisko asked Captain Chakotay from behind the bar.

“No thanks,” he replied, looking downcast. “I’m only going to stick around for a few more minutes.”

“Waiting for someone?” Jake asked.

“Yes,” said Chakotay, “but it looks like she’s not coming.”

Just then, the door opened and a stunning young woman came in out of the Louisiana downpour. She pulled back the hood of her raincoat to reveal shining blonde hair, half pulled back off her face. A few heads turned to follow her as she smiled at Chakotay and crossed the room towards him with a purposeful stride.

“Wow!” said Jake, “I’ll give you two a minute.” He moved down the bar with a grin on his face.

“I apologize for my lateness,” she said, sweeping him into a tight embrace. “One of the transporter bays at Starfleet headquarters malfunctioned and the lines for the other two became quite long.”

“You could have messaged to let me know,” he replied in a mock sullen tone.

“I suppose I could have. I am sorry, Chakotay.”

“Never mind,” he said. “You’re here now. Should we get a table?”

“Let’s,” she replied.

Once they’d sat down, Chakotay said, “everything here is good; but the standout dish is the jambalaya. They make it with free range meat from Zalda, which is code for plankton-based meat substitute. Most people can’t tell it from the real thing.”

“Very well,” she said, turning to the waiter, “two bowls of jambalaya please.”

When the waiter had gone, she asked Chakotay about his day.

“Not bad,” he replied. “The refits to Voyager are coming along smoothly. We should be ready to ship out for the Daled sector in a couple of weeks. How about you?”

“I had a productive meeting with Admiral Nechayev and Vice Admiral Shelby to finalize our plans for the fleetwide Borg tactical countermeasures exercise. And I had lunch with my Aunt Irene.”

Chakotay raised an eyebrow, “how was that?”

“It is puzzling how someone can be both a complete stranger and so familiar at the same time,” Seven replied. “She showed me some photographs of my father growing up, and a few of me and my parents. It was informative but unsettling. And she keeps insisting on calling me Annika, a name I vaguely recall responding to but which still does not feel like mine. ”

Chakotay smiled, “you went through something very few people can understand. I imagine your aunt doesn’t quite know how to connect with you. Give it time.”

“That is what my counselor advised me to do as well,” Seven replied.

The waiter returned with two heaping bowls of jambalaya. Several minutes of companionable silence ensued as they enjoyed their meals.

“Any thoughts about whether you’ll be joining us in the Daled sector?” Chakotay finally asked.

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that,” said Seven, putting down her spoon and facing him. “I’ve decided to remain on Earth for awhile.”

“Oh,” he said, “I’m sorry to hear that. We’ll… I’ll miss you.”

“And I you, Chakotay,” she began, “but I think it’s for the best. I’ve decided to step back from our romantic relationship. I… I find our time together to be compelling and I am grateful to you for being such a wonderful first partner for me.”

“I sense a ‘but’ coming,” he said with a sad and knowing look.

“Yes,” she replied with characteristic bluntness. “I have never seen the point of monogamous involvements as you know, and though you mean a great deal to me, when I search my feelings, I find that I would not be satisfied if you were the only partner I had for the remainder of my life.”

“I see,” he said, “I won’t pretend this doesn’t make me sad, Seven, but I completely understand. You never got to sew your wild oats. It’s important that you explore.”

“I also think that you should revisit your relationship with Admiral Janeway,” she continued, taking a sip of water.

Chakotay, who had just taken a big bite of jambalaya, nearly choked. He chewed, swallowed, took a gulp of water and then said, “what do you mean?”

“On Voyager, I observed on many occasions that your faces became flushed, your pulses quickened, and your pupils dilated when you were in one another’s presence. You are obviously extremely attracted to one another, you have similar values, and you have a shared history. It seems to me that you make an ideal couple.”

“Seven, things between me and Kathryn are complicated,” he said. “You’re right that we had feelings for each other, especially early on. But we never could get past Starfleet protocol; and when it comes to intimate relationships she has more defenses up than you did, believe it or not.”

Seven smiled, “perhaps things will be different now that we have returned to Earth. It’s not up to me, Chakotay; but if I were you, I would try.”

They spent the rest of the meal talking about lighter subjects before he walked her to the transporter bay. She kissed him tenderly on the cheek and beamed back to San Francisco.

He was about to enter the coordinates for his cabin on Lake Atitlan but then, almost without thinking about it, he changed his mind. “Computer, Lake Monroe, Indiana,” he said, and dematerialized.

The next thing he knew, he was standing on a dirt road in near total darkness. The moon was a tiny sliver in the sky. The stars were almost as bright as they were from the bridge of a starship; but here on Earth, they twinkled like they knew a secret. Like something was out there waiting.

He peered into the distance and saw firelight off down the road. He reached into his pocket, pulled out his PADD, checked the coordinates, turned on the device’s flashlight, and walked towards the light.

As he got closer, a dog barked and then a voice he recognized immediately called, “who’s there?”

“Hello Kathryn, it's me,” he called back as he came around a stand of trees and into a clearing in front of a small wooden house with big windows overlooking a lake and a fire pit facing the road.

Around the campfire sat Kathryn Janeway and three other people, a woman with brilliant red hair who he supposed must be her sister, and another woman, tall and curvy with beautiful ebony skin and long braids who was curled up on a wooden bench with a man he immediately recognized as Mark Johnson, Kathryn’s ex-fiancé.

An elderly Irish setter waddled towards Chakotay with her tail wagging. She licked his hand and accompanied him back as he approached the small group.

“Chakotay, what a nice surprise,” said Kathryn, rising to her feet and coming over to embrace him.

“I hope I’m not intruding,” he replied.

“Not at all,” she said, “we were just about to roast some marshmallows. Want to join us?”

“Sure,” he said with a smile.

“Chakotay, this is Mark and Claudette, and this is my sister Phoebe.”

“Lovely to meet you,” he said, shaking each of their hands in turn.

“And this is Com- I mean Captain Chakotay,” she finished.

Phoebe brightened, “it’s so good to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much.”

“All good I hope,” he responded, taking a stick and marshmallow as Kathryn handed them around.

“Mostly,” chuckled Phoebe, “although Kathryn tells me you were pretty hard on her from time to time.”

“Only when she deserved it,” he quipped.

“That’s good,” replied Phoebe. “She needs someone who can keep her in check.”

An awkward silence fell for a couple of beats before Claudette broke the tension, “Kathryn, where did you get this chocolate? It’s incredible!”

The evening progressed amiably from there. Mark and Claudette brought them up to speed on their newest philosophical paper: a treatise on the existential implications of the Q Continuum vis-a-vis the rest of the universe. Phoebe shared some amusing anecdotes about the process of assembling her latest art installation on the Bolian home world.

And then Mark said, “we need to get back and relieve the babysitter. It’s good to see you, Kathryn.” They got up to go and she stood to embrace them both.

Then Phoebe said, “I think I’ll go start the dishes.”

Kathryn got up to help her, but she said, “no, you stay. Visit.”

Then Phoebe went inside, the Irish Setter waddling at her heels, and Chakotay found himself sitting with Kathryn, watching the embers of the fire smolder while the crickets chirped.

“Would you like another glass of Bolian nectar?” she asked.

“Sure,” he responded.

She poured him a glass and looked at him searchingly, “so what brings you all the way to Indiana?”

“Something Seven said,” he responded.

“Oh? How is she settling in?”

“Well enough,” he replied. “It sounds like Starfleet is finding her insight into the Borg invaluable. And she’s giving a relationship with her aunt a solid shot, which I’m glad to see. But… she broke up with me tonight.”

“Oh Chakotay,” she said, “I’m sorry. But…surely you knew that wasn’t going to last forever.”

“I didn’t expect it to. But it stings all the same. I do love her.”

“I know. I love her too.”

She reached across the small end table between them and squeezed his forearm, then let her hand rest there for a moment. He moved his arm and took her hand as they stared into the firelight.

“So what did Seven say?”

“Huh?” he asked.

“What did Seven say that brought you out here?”

“She surprised the hell out of me, to be honest. You know I never told her about us, but she noticed it anyway. She told me, and I quote, ‘you are obviously extremely attracted to one another, you have similar values and a shared history. It seems to me that you make an ideal couple.’”

Kathryn laughed, “you do a very good Seven of Nine impression.”

“You should hear my Janeway.”

She snorted, then took a breath and continued in a more serious tone. “I don’t know, Chakotay. You made some good points about how different we are. The head and the heart and all that. It might not work.”

“Let’s put all that aside for a moment,” he said. “We got Voyager home. I don’t report directly to you anymore. So much of what was standing between us is gone. So, right here in this moment, how do you feel being with me?”

She exhaled and looked directly at him, “like I’ve finally, actually come home.”

“That’s as good a starting place as any,” he replied.

She stood and came towards him, taking his other hand in hers. He stood to meet her. They hugged each other for a long time before Phoebe interrupted.

“Kathryn,” she called from the kitchen, “the dishes are done and I’m a little lightheaded from all that Bolian nectar. I’m going to head home. Mind if I take Mollie for the night?”

Kathryn broke away for a moment and shouted, “That’s fine, Phoebs! Thanks for everything!”

A few seconds later, the front door closed.

They looked into each other’s eyes for a moment, and then Kathryn kissed Chakotay with a deliberate intensity that sent a shock of arousal coursing through him. Her mouth was warm and soft and sweet from the nectar. He responded in kind, his hands moving down her lower back.

She pulled back from their kiss to look him in the eyes.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” he asked.

“I have a better idea,” she replied with a grin. “There’s a hot tub on the deck.”

“Of course there is,” he said. “The only thing better than a hot bath.”

“Precisely.”

She took his hand and led him, crunching over fallen leaves and up the stairs to the second floor balcony that jutted off the back of the house. The balcony overlooked the lake, obstructed partially by a stand of tall trees.

“Beautiful view,” he said.

“We used to come out here all the time when I was growing up,” she said. “But I never appreciated it then like I do now.”

She peeled the lid off the hot tub and set it aside on the deck. Then she tapped some commands into a nearby LCARS display and the tub filled up with fresh, steaming water.

She crossed back to him slowly and took his hands in hers. “I’ve imagined this more times than I can count, Chakotay.”

“Me too,” he responded. “I hope I live up to your imagination.”

“I hope I live up to yours,” she said, pulling off her cardigan and sliding out of her boots before pulling her long tunic over her head.

Underneath, she was wearing a fitted camisole and matching white silk boxer shorts.

“And now I know what was under that uniform all those years,” he chuckled as he pulled off his own Starfleet issue garments until he stood in front of her wearing only fitted boxers.

They came towards each other again, and he ran his hands down her arms before hooking his fingers underneath the camisole and pulling it over her head. He’d recalled the softness of her skin many times, but his memory paled in comparison to touching her again.

He bent his lips to hers again and kissed her as he caressed her breasts. She shuddered, her nipples getting peaky under his palms.

He felt himself getting harder by the minute.

He climbed into the tub first, and when she came in after him, she climbed down to straddle him right away. Then she kissed him unreservedly, enthusiastically. This was nothing like the slow, tentative explorations they’d allowed themselves in stolen moments aboard Voyager.

She slid one hand beneath the waistband of his boxers and groaned when she felt how hard he was. “Oh my, Chakotay,” she said, meeting his eyes, which were wide and full of delight.

She took a step back, into the deepest part of the pool and pulled down his boxers, throwing them onto the deck with a wet plop. Then she sank down to her knees so that her head and shoulders were the only parts of her still above the water.

She reached for his hips and he allowed them to float up towards her until he was exposed to the open air. She grinned at him and then began to lick him gently.

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, struggling not to come. Somehow, in all his fantasies, he hadn’t imagined Kathryn doing this; but doing it she was and extremely well.

He shuddered and groaned, and his hips started to thrust involuntarily.

“Kathryn, please slow down. I’m going to…” but it was too late. He came with a cry that echoed across the lake.

She smiled and swallowed, licking her lips before coming to sit next to him.

He took a couple of deep, steadying breaths, “I’m sorry Kathryn, I feel like a teenager right now, too excited for my own good.”

Her face glowed with a delighted smile. “Please never be sorry for enjoying yourself. It’s not as though that’s the last erection you’ll ever have in your life, am I right?”

“I suppose not,” he replied, “at least I hope not. But… what can I do for you?”

She came in to kiss him again and he responded enthusiastically, stroking her nipples and enjoying the little moans she made. Then he slid his fingers inside her boxers, stroking her lips with his knuckles until her hips began to rock and she pushed herself against his hand insistently.

“Tease,” she said.

He pulled off her boxers and slid his fingers between her lips, stroking her clit until her legs parted and she groaned. He kept kissing her and working her until her legs began to shake.

“I want you inside me” she whimpered, her mouth open near his, their tongues searching for one another.

“Oh I’m going to be inside you,” he said, pressing his once again rigid cock into her thigh so she could feel it. “Just not quite yet.”

She looked up at him, grinned, and reached down to stroke him. He groaned and paused for a moment to enjoy the feel of her soft, strong hand working his shaft before refocusing. He was going to take care of her now.

He kept kissing her and working her as she stroked him, following the rhythm of her hips until her whole body tensed and she started to groan in a way that sounded like it was coming from the very center of her being. He kept working her and simultaneously slid one finger gently inside her. She lost control entirely, grinding on his finger and squeezing around it, crying out in the darkness to the stars above as he had done.

Once her trembling had subsided a bit, he kissed her softly on the mouth.

“Let’s take this inside,” he suggested.

They toweled off and stepped through the French doors into a big, beautiful bedroom with a huge bed against one wall, a fireplace with a (presumably holographic) fire crackling merrily, a nightstand full of books, and not much else.

She led him over to the bed and laid down.

He climbed on top of her, naked and warm with nothing between them any longer. He touched her face. She was as beautiful as the first day they had met; her smile, her astonishing eyes, and the way her intellect played behind them were all as bright as ever.

She kissed him and spread her legs, reaching down to align herself with the head of his cock.

“Please, Chakotay,” she moaned, “I have waited far too long for this.”

He slid inside her and they both groaned. And then they were kissing, grinding, their legs all tangled up. They rocked together like this for a long time and then came simultaneously, as if they had been doing this together for many years.

They held each other and looked into the firelight for some time.

“Would you like to spend the night?” she asked him, finally.

“That depends,” he replied. “Do you still have that nightgown?”


End file.
